Triggers

When you go through a profound tragic event in your life, you are forever changed.  Sure, there is the immediate shock, sadness, anger and the other elements of the chain of grief.  Those have been detailed to some degree in my writings, and indeed by anyone who has gone through similar circumstances.

Time, however, does its' job, to a degree.  Time heals all wounds, supposedly.  Also depends on your definition of healing.  Speaking personally, I honestly don't think that I will ever completely heal.  I have a wound that, while it is "in check" for the most part, it will never completely close.  The hurt and all of his bedfellows will always be there.  We just get used to having that wound around.  Kind of like a scar.  It's there.  You adapt.  You, unfortunately, get used to it.

There are more "better" days now than "not so good" days.  Back to my opinion on the law of balances.  Good with the bad.  But, just when you think your getting past the "not so good", something triggers deeper, more emotional feelings.  For me, it's reminders of that dreaded day, or of a happier time when Kim and I did something together that stayed with me.  Triggers are a really weird thing.  Why?  Well, because they come from the strangest places at the strangest moments.

Now, understanding that while we as a family and me as a (now) widower  go through this shit, the world moves on.  It's been eight months now!  That in and of itself is unreal to me sometimes.  But, if you look back over those eight months and see all the things that have happened, both locally and internationally, it's just staggering.  History has been made, evil doers have been dealt with, genius' of commerce and technology have left us and countless political events have occurred.

With respect to these triggers, as I've said, they come from the strangest places, at the strangest times.  For example:

• The media.  News is instantaneous these days.  There are so many television channels, newspapers, and that beacon of information, the Internet.  Things happen so quickly, they are in our face before you know it.  Whenever I see a story about someone killed in an accident, those wounds get a bit sensitive.  I actually happened upon an accident a while back where two women were killed.  I didn't know it at that moment, until I put the local all news channel on the radio.  The memory reel kicked in big time for a few minutes.

• Programs meant to entertain us.  In the electronic age, we have an incredible amount of choices with respect to what we can watch on TV.  And a lot of shows are now available for home purchase to view at your leisure.  Kim and I, over the Fall of 2010 had gotten very much into the TV series Six Feet Under.  A really good show.  We were in the beginning stages of season four, the last episode she and I watched together was one where one of the lead characters had just lost his wife, and was dealing with "Stuff".  I haven't watched an episode since.  I will some day.  I want to see that series through.  I know it will trigger something.  Another show I just got into is Sons of Anarchy.  A program about a motorcycle club and all the "merry mix ups" that occur in that world.  The last couple of episodes from season one deal with one of the main characters' wife being killed by mistake, and all the stuff they have to deal with.  Boy did that trigger some emotions.

• I continue to coach in the Rexdale Women's Hockey League.  Kim played in that league for quite some time.  They did a wonderful tribute to her at the game following her funeral service.  An incredible bunch of ladies who have opened their hearts to myself and my family.  As much as I enjoy coaching these ladies, there are times, usually when I'm tired (and susceptible) that I get  some feelings of sadness.   But they usually don't last too long.  Once the puck drops, I'm in the game.

• One of my favourite hobbies is the study of Improv Comedy.  I've been doing that for over three years now.   It's been a wealth of "therapy" for me.  An example of how life moves on, and trying not to dwell on stuff?   Sometimes, either during a scene I am watching, or a scene that I am actually performing in, the topic of death, or killing, or killing someone specifically comes into play.  And, while I get that this is for the moment, part of a performance, hoping for a positive reaction from the audience, there is the odd time when I find myself "taken aback" just a bit.  But that doesn't last very long.  I just say to myself that the one has nothing to do with the other.  I also don't expect everyone to walk on egg shells around me.  The world keeps turning.  I know that.  They know that.  In the world of performance, especially live improvised performance, things come out of nowhere at the snap of your fingers.  One of the Mantra's of Improv is "Don't think".

Just a few days ago, there was an accident which resulted in the death of a woman who was riding her bicycle, on her way to pick up her child from daycare.  This story was front page in the local paper.  Reading that brought me back to the days after Kim's accident, where her story was front page on in one of the supplementary sections of the same paper.  A lot was mentioned about the husband and their small child.  As I was reading this, I'm thinking to myself:

• Dude, I've been in your shoes. 
• I know exactly where you are at this point in time on a whole bunch of levels.
• I know the madness of trying to get answers.
• I know that he will have a lot of family and friend support.
• And I know that the media will be on this story for some time.  And, that this story will be referred to for some time to come in comparison to other accidents that will no doubt happen along the way.

These triggers are, unfortunately, part of the process.  Some people go through their entire lives not having to worry about this kind of stuff.  Lucky bastards!  I, on the other hand, have this whole new set of shit to deal with.  And, I'll be dealing with it for the rest of my life.  Getting through this kind of thing is a very long, trying adventure with both ups and downs.  The trick to success in navigating this journey is understanding and accepting that this is now part of your life.  Once you've achieved that understanding, it won't necessarily make things easier to deal with, but at least you will have the rationale to ride it out.

And for me personally, I have reached that understanding.

You clear the hurdles as you encounter them.  The triggers will happen.  Accept that.  Deal with them and then move on.  Don't dwell. 

You deal with the Demon and the Demon is done!

Psychology of the Thing...

Today, after a long delay in dealing with "stuff". I decided to move Kim's things from our front hall closet to the basement, on a clothing rack there.  I came to this conclusion on the way home from seeing a movie.

As I got closer to home, my eyes started to tear up.  By the time I reached home, they were flowing pretty good.  I took the first handful of her coats down.  As I was descending the stairs with the second and last load, I broke down, totally and completely.  I hung her things in the rack, sat on the stairs and just bawled my eyes out.  Really, deep, hard crying, for about five minutes.   I mean it just poured out of me.  I was crying so hard I almost went hoarse.

After drying myself up, I just sat and thought about her for a few minutes.  It actually tired me out cardiovascularly almost as much as my hockey game this morning.  Trust me when I say, I know exactly why I had this reaction, and why I have put off doing this chore, among many others still to be done.  I completely understand the psychology of the thing.  Delaying tending to Kim's stuff because it would bring the finality of the situation closer to completion.  I get all that.  I just fuckin' hate it!

I haven't really had any emotional "episodes" in a few weeks.  But things have been brewing.  I am doing my best to stay busy.  Look after the kid.  Look after family.  Take care of business.  But it seems that sometimes, when you least expect it, expect it!

Writing about this (and other stuff), putting it out there, basically exposing my soul to the world, is not my first choice on dealing with things.  But, getting it out there gives me a bit of a sense of release.  And in doing so, hopefully someone else reading this, going through the same kind of shit, could, maybe gain some solace in the fact that they are not alone in how they feel.  Whether it's normal or not, at least they don't have  to think that its only them.

I'm laying it out there, and, in a sense, giving something back for the support I've gotten.  Hopefully.....

Political Debate

Upon returning home from a morning of errands recently, I noticed a sign on my front lawn, extolling the virtues of a local independent candidate for an upcoming election.  This struck me as odd for a couple of reasons.

First of all, I NEVER "advertise' whom I am supporting in any political race.  Politics and my political support are something I generally keep to myself.  Election day, casting my vote, is my way of expressing my support.  Secondly, this gentleman did not ask the permission of the Man Cave Dwellers to put his sign on our property.

Therefore, I remove the sign, pegs and all, and proceeded to fold it neatly to place it with our recycling.  From across the street, I saw someone come running and holler out "I'll take that thank you!".  If it wasn't the local independent candidate himself, not doubt posting more signs on unsuspecting lawns throughout the neighbourhood.  He ask for his sign back, stating that he was well within his rights to put it up, as the part of the lawn he claimed on was deemed "public property".

I begged to differ.  My explanation consisted of the fact that:

1.      Since I maintain it, it's mine.

2.      He didn't asked for permission, as his competition had (and I politely declined).

3.      The Man Cave does not express its political support via signs on our lawn.  Never!

He persisted with his public property angle.  I persisted with my political philosophies and things were going nowhere.  Finally, I'd had enough.  He became more assertive in his stance, so I did the same.  I told him to "get his fuckin' sign off of my property", and to "take a hike".  (You play with the bull, you get the horns)  He stepped back, said that there was no reason to get angry, and I repeated my stance.  He saw that he was not going to succeed here, so he said to me that he "didn't need my fuckin' vote anyway".

Off he went to pedal his rhetoric.  And I went inside and had a wonderful lunch.  If he can't handle me, how the hell is he going to handle the pressures of office?

Sometimes you just need to spell it out for them.

Conquering Demons

I went for a walk yesterday in the area to pick up some things. Enroute, I found myself at the intersection where, on March 6th, my world changed forever. It's the first time since that day that I found myself, on foot, in that area.

So, I decided to face a demon.  I  crossed the street and stood on the exact spot in the middle of the intersection, on the traffic island, where Kim was taken from us. At that precise moment, I felt a breeze and a sense of release.   It may sound kind of corny, but I firmly believe my being there "sent a message".  Kind of a hockey mentality.

We go through our lives these days, observing and encountering various "first days" (birthdays, holidays etc.).  September 13 become one of those days, in a conquering kind of way.  There are many battles to be faced.  We take them one at a time.

Another demon has been conquered.....To the rest of them, don't fuckin' mess with me!

Just Thinking

It's 11:30 PM, Wednesday September 7, 2011, sitting here by myself in my quiet house.  The kid is asleep.  That's where I'll be soon.

I can't get over how quiet this place has become since Kim was taken away from us.  She was the life of the party here.  I've been on my Sabbatical for over a month.  I'm getting itchy to do something work wise.  I will, sooner rather than later.

These are just my rambling thoughts while I sit here in my funk.  I really hate this.  The fact that she was taken away from me and I hade no say in the matter.  Because of a really fuckin' stupid mistake, I find myself in this position.  Drives me nuts some days.

My family (and I include my in laws in that category) have given me lots of strength.  Sharing with others is a blessing, especially with them.  Time does heal all wounds, but I just wish it would hurry up, dammit.

Typing this out makes me feel like I am talking to someone, feels less alone.  Perhaps this Blog will become my confident.  The shoulder.  You know what I mean.

Time to turn it.

See you soon.

Neighbours

I was out tending to the shrubbery around our house this morning, when my neighbour from behind us came over for a little chat.  Seems she was out of the country at the time of the accident and did not hear about it.

She began the chat with "I haven't seen your wife around for a while".  I kind of expect these things to pop up from time to time.  So I explained to her what happened.  She teared up.  I teared up.  It was awkward.  The she told me about how Kim used to say hi to her all the time when she took our dog blue and went for a run.  Kim would talk to anybody, about anything.  The neighbour also talked about how Kim used to play with their dog, and just plain be very friendly towards them.  That was Kim.

She also told me about an accident she was involved in a few years ago that almost took HER life.  Because of that, she doesn't work anymore.  You live behind someone for ten years and don't say peep (Kim was the talker, not me), and then in one twenty minute chat, you find out so much.   We bid each other "so long" and she continued on her morning constitutional, while I continued to water the hedge.

Neighbours can be interesting people.  They say good fences make good neighbours.  I subscribe to that theory big time.  In the days after the accident, there was all sorts of media coverage.  When reporters from the various TV stations would summarize their reports, sometimes from right outside my house, they would talk about what kind of person Kim was, etc.  They got all of this from our neighbours, whom we (or at least I) rarely spoke with.  I subsequent chats with my various neighbours, I could figure out who said what, when.  That old CSI training I spoke of before.

I get the sense now that the neighbourhood is "watching over" Adam and I now, which on one hand is pretty cool, but, on the other hand, can be a bit unnerving.  I'm a private person, of sorts (This Blog & Facebook aside).  But I'll allow myself to be "comforted" when the situation calls for comfort.  I will chat periodically with our neighbours, but I am just not the social butterfly that Kim was.  They say opposites attract.  Truer words were never spoken.

Realizations

Having taken the time to reflect on things lately, I have come up with a number of realizations.  Things that I have discovered.  Things I have to accept.  Things that will help me move on with my life.  And, just plain silly, stupid, funny things.

In no particular order:

• You don't need to have the same last name to be a family.
• Gardening is an acquired skill.
• You need to hold the lid up on the clothing donation box until the bag is completely in.  If not, your finger will get badly damaged when it slams shut.
• Mothers have the hardest job of all.
• Stupid people were put on this earth to entertain us.  Some are just far better at it than others.
• Surrounding yourself with good people makes you a better person.
• Avoiding things does not make them go away.
• Dogs get it, whatever "it" is.
• Most media at scumbags, concerned only about ratings or sales.
• As famous as some people would like to be, careful what you wish for.
• Conversation is a wonderful thing.
• Never take anyone for granted.  You just never know when they won't be around one day.
• Appreciate everything and everyone in your life.
• When doing laundry, don't put red stuff in a warm load with whites.
• Patience is indeed a virtue I am still trying to acquire.
• Revenge is indeed a dish best served cold.
• Awareness of all the things going on in your life will help you move on in your life.
• My beautiful wife is gone forever, and there's nothing I can do about it.
• Those we sometimes hold in high esteem should sometimes not be held up there.
• You can put just about anything into a stir fry.
• BBQ's are like cars.  When the lid goes up, all of a sudden there are a lot of guys around.
• Laughter is the best medicine, whether you are the one laughing or the one providing the laugh.
• Life is short, so live it to the fullest.
• Life is also Fragile, so, while living to the fullest, be smart about it so you can squeeze every drop out of it.
• Time marches on, and it does heal most wounds.
• Even through a terrible tragedy, when I count my blessings, I find I just can't count that high.
• You never know how much bleach you spill until you pull that favourite shirt out of you closet to wear a week later.
• Comedy is the hardest thing to perform.  But, when it clicks, its golden.
• Hugs are both soothing and medicinal.
• Chocolate is natures way of saying "Here, take a break, everything will be okay".
• When you are 20, you think 50 is in another universe.  When you're 50, you try to remember 20.
• When a kid grows from being dependant on you to helping you, that is a blessing.
• Exercise is nature's way of saying "MORE!"
• Hockey has the grace of ballet and the brutality of Gladiators, when it's played right.
• You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
• Clichés are there for a reason.
• The right tool for the right job increases your chances of success by at least 50%.
•  Pink Floyd music means something totally different to me now.
• Just when you think you have computers figured out, a new error message pops up.
• The keys on a computer keyboard are far too close together.
• I suffer from typing dyslexia.
• Water works on everything, whether in it's liquid or it's frozen state.
• Telemarketers pick the worst possible time to call you about your ducts.
• Every 30 seconds, 30 seconds go by.
• More to follow…..

Why Now???

It's been just over 4 months now since Kim was killed.  I've been doing pretty good with coping with the loss, getting stuff in order.  Moving on.  Dealing with peripheral stuff.

All of a sudden, I've hit a wall.  The last week at work has been pure hell.  I feel totally stressed and exhausted.  I need to step back, take a break.  Look after me.  I've been looking after everything and everybody else.  I think my body (and my head) are finally saying, STOP!!!

But why now, all of a sudden???

I need to make some changes, starting now.  Fuck!!  I hate this.

Did You Know.....

I took the following from a Facebook Status from a friend of mine:

Did you know that those who appear to be really strong, really are the most sensitive. Did you know that those who spend all their time protecting others, sometimes really need someone to protect them. Did you know that 3 of the hardest things to say are: I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me!

This really hit me.  I have no trouble saying "I Love You" or "I'm Sorry".  None what so ever.  However, I absolutely, positively hate asking for help.  It's just not how I am hard wired.  Even during such a life altering tragedy, I am the main support for my step son, and for anyone in the family that needs it.  I have soldiered through this grieving thing by keeping busy, crying  sometimes, and just "putting my head down and digging in", to coin a sports cliche.

I feel VERY uncomfortable asking for help.  Sometimes I'd like some, but I manage to "get it done" without assistance.  As Kim once said, I come by my stubbornness honestly. 

There are no rules in getting through this shit.  You just take it a day at a time.

There is Help Out there

http://www.griefjourney.com/

For those of you out there who have suffered loss, and don't know what to do, how to handle it or to confirm that you are not a freak for feeling what you feel, the aforementioned link might help.  It's a group I have become associated with through the funeral home that did Kim's funeral.  It is actually very interesting and very helpful.

Give it a look and see if you agree.

Time

Time is a funny thing. 

You take the average week. 
Monday is the worst day of the week for most people.  Coming out of a weekend, that's the first day back to work.  It seems to go on forever.  By the end of the day it feels like an entire week all by itself.  Tuesday is slow, but not quite as slow as Monday.  Before you know it, Wednesday or "hump day" as we like to call it sometimes (the "hump of the week") is here and the day's actually feel like they are starting to speed up.
Thursday comes in and we're already making plans for the coming weekend.  And finally, Friday.  Ah, Friday, the shortest, fastest day of the week.  Monday seemed like a hundred years ago.  Now the end of the week is here.

The weekend kicks in and we're off doing chores, recreational stuff, family things and for some, alas, work.  Before you know it, we're back to Monday.  A vicious circle the rewinds continuously. 

Since the accident, this cycle, as with everyone else, has played out week after week.  Weird thing is, I still recall the accident like it was yesterday.  Every detail of the scene, the hospital, everything.  And I can't get it out of my head.  It's been fifteen weeks since that dreaded day.  That means this cycle has replayed fifteen times!  It sure doesn't feel like that as each week plays out.  Time is a funny thing, isn't it.  It flies by, and it crawls, all at the same time (pardon the pun).

The Concept of Grief

When someone suffers the loss of a spouse/sibling/parent/friend/pet, one of the things they go through is grieving.  In my three weeks of group counselling to help me deal with the tragic loss of my beautiful wife Kim, I have learned a lot about grieving.  I wish to share some of my new found wisdom with you.

The world can be a brutal place, but it can also be a really cool place.  It’s amazing to me how friends and family can come together during and beyond such a horrific event.  The day of the accident can best be described for me as the worst day of my life.  Within the span of one hour, my world was turned completely upside down, as was the family’s.  I had to process and move out some pretty heavy information to others, while consoling myself and those around me.  It was like being in the dream sequence of a movie.  Everything moving in slow motion.  A knot in my stomach the size of a basket ball developed right away.  Wandering aimlessly, it seemed, not knowing what to do.  It was totally uncharacteristic of me, who is usually in full control of his emotions/surroundings etc.

As the business of handling Kim’s estate moved along, things stared to settle down.  People were slowly returning to their lives.  The world keeps turning.  The grieving finally started to kick in.  I could not (and still cannot) get that tragic day out of my head.  I think about it a lot, every day.  I remember cool things in our life together.  I remember the visitations and funeral service.  I remember the days of that first week, when the kid and I had a babysitter or two every night that week to make sure we were okay.  I remember the pain I felt in my gut and in my heart (that one is still front and centre).  All of this stuff is like a movie playing in my head on fast forward, all the time.

I manage to squeeze some work into this old concussed head of mine.  Focus has been a huge problem for me.  I have great problems reading for any length of time.  The only thing I can really watch on TV is sports.  Cooking and working out have been my salvation.

Our counsellor at the group therapy sessions taught us that grief is simply remembering.  We remember because we care.  We care because we love the person we lost.  That makes it a bit easier to deal with.  It just doesn’t take the hurt away.  Time does.  He also described grief as feeling like writing with your wrong hand.  Awkward, slow, requires more concentration and feels strange.  That analogy is bang on.

As I travel down this new, uncharted road, I have been sharing some of the more humorous things that have gone on as the household evolves and we move along (Man Cave).  That will continue as there are lots of stories to tell.  I thought that it would be prudent to share some of the “other” side of things; the feelings, the pain, the on going grief that we endure.  The two work hand in hand.  Having been raised by a German Army Master Sergeant, feelings were not something that we shared or expressed a lot in our house, except perhaps for anger.  Throwing these stories out there has been very therapeutic for me personally.  It also helps me laugh, remember some great stuff from the past, and share the great new stuff we encounter.  It is what it is…..

Re-Entry

Hello world.

This is my re-entry into the blog world.  My motivation is different this time.  As noted in my profile, I became a widower on March 6, 2011 when my beautiful wife Kim was tragically killed in a very high profile auto accident here in Mississauga.

My life has been forever changed by this event.  She was everything to me.  My love, my lover, my best friend, my hockey pupil, my soul mate, everything.  I now find myself as a single step parent, as I have assumed responsibility of Kim's son.  That is what she wanted in the event that anything were to happen to here.  Little did we know that this would indeed come to pass.  I do so with absolutely no hesitation.  I love him like he's my own and will do everything in my power to make sure he is okay.

We move forward together into a new life.  This is our journey....