The Concept of Grief

When someone suffers the loss of a spouse/sibling/parent/friend/pet, one of the things they go through is grieving.  In my three weeks of group counselling to help me deal with the tragic loss of my beautiful wife Kim, I have learned a lot about grieving.  I wish to share some of my new found wisdom with you.

The world can be a brutal place, but it can also be a really cool place.  It’s amazing to me how friends and family can come together during and beyond such a horrific event.  The day of the accident can best be described for me as the worst day of my life.  Within the span of one hour, my world was turned completely upside down, as was the family’s.  I had to process and move out some pretty heavy information to others, while consoling myself and those around me.  It was like being in the dream sequence of a movie.  Everything moving in slow motion.  A knot in my stomach the size of a basket ball developed right away.  Wandering aimlessly, it seemed, not knowing what to do.  It was totally uncharacteristic of me, who is usually in full control of his emotions/surroundings etc.

As the business of handling Kim’s estate moved along, things stared to settle down.  People were slowly returning to their lives.  The world keeps turning.  The grieving finally started to kick in.  I could not (and still cannot) get that tragic day out of my head.  I think about it a lot, every day.  I remember cool things in our life together.  I remember the visitations and funeral service.  I remember the days of that first week, when the kid and I had a babysitter or two every night that week to make sure we were okay.  I remember the pain I felt in my gut and in my heart (that one is still front and centre).  All of this stuff is like a movie playing in my head on fast forward, all the time.

I manage to squeeze some work into this old concussed head of mine.  Focus has been a huge problem for me.  I have great problems reading for any length of time.  The only thing I can really watch on TV is sports.  Cooking and working out have been my salvation.

Our counsellor at the group therapy sessions taught us that grief is simply remembering.  We remember because we care.  We care because we love the person we lost.  That makes it a bit easier to deal with.  It just doesn’t take the hurt away.  Time does.  He also described grief as feeling like writing with your wrong hand.  Awkward, slow, requires more concentration and feels strange.  That analogy is bang on.

As I travel down this new, uncharted road, I have been sharing some of the more humorous things that have gone on as the household evolves and we move along (Man Cave).  That will continue as there are lots of stories to tell.  I thought that it would be prudent to share some of the “other” side of things; the feelings, the pain, the on going grief that we endure.  The two work hand in hand.  Having been raised by a German Army Master Sergeant, feelings were not something that we shared or expressed a lot in our house, except perhaps for anger.  Throwing these stories out there has been very therapeutic for me personally.  It also helps me laugh, remember some great stuff from the past, and share the great new stuff we encounter.  It is what it is…..