Just when you thought it was…..

I have always thought that I had a “sixth sense” about “stuff”.  A “Jazz”, as I call it.  The ability to, among other things, know what is going to happen before it happens (not necessarily specifics), or know what is going on in someone’s head.  You could also call it a “heightened awareness”.  I’ve always written it off to coincidence, for the most part. But in the last while, I’m not so sure.

Two recent examples have me thinking “hmmm” (see Arsenio Hall-look it up).  Not too long ago, on a Friday afternoon, a feeling came over me that something impactful was going to happen in my world.  No clue what, but, well, something.  Positive or negative, not sure.  One the following Monday I received news that a good friend of mine had, all of a sudden, experienced a major change in their professional life.  And to them, it was impactful.  As she is a friend, I too was impacted.  At the moment I heard about my friend’s situation, I said to myself, that’s it!

This past Friday (as I write this, it is March 21, 2012), the same feeling came over me again.  Somewhere in my world, something was going to happen.  No specific, but a strong sense once again.

Today I had my truck at my mechanic (everyone who drives has a “my mechanic”) for an oil change.  While waiting for the work to be completed, I sat outside in the beautiful Spring weather, writing another one of my stories.  All of a sudden, a car zipped by me at a high rate of speed.  The auto shop is in a plaza.  This kid was flying!  Far beyond what is acceptable for a plaza parking lot.  There were multiple late teen occupants in the car, carrying on, hooting and hollering, having a great time.  The driver decided that he did not want to sit behind a slower moving vehicle.  He passed the slower vehicle, traversing around a parking “Island” in the lot.  Just as he completed the pass, he crashed head on into a minivan travelling in the opposite direction.  No brakes, nothing, a direct hit at an accelerated rate of speed.  The incident itself took seconds to unfold from the time the car passed my location.  By comparison, it took a lot longer to write this paragraph.

The driver of the car at fault (in my humble opinion) acted in a completely careless manner.  His front seat passenger’s head went right into the windshield.  He was almost ejected from the vehicle.  Sustained a nasty head wound and potentially, a concussion.  The other passengers in the offending vehicle were shaken up, but otherwise fine.  The driver of the vehicle that was hit was also shaken up, but fine.

The kid driving the offending vehicle is completely at fault. He drove carelessly, recklessly and with no regard for the surroundings.

Now, the kicker to all of this you ask?  Because this accident happened in a plaza parking lot, it is considered private property.   Charges (I’m thinking, at the very least, Careless Driving) cannot be laid, because it happened on private property (sensing a theme?).  The only resolution is a 50/50 settlement between Insurance companies.  That, again, in my humble opinion, is complete and utter bullshit!

This kid could have killed somebody, including one of his buddies in HIS vehicle. I called 911, and once the usual emergency services arrived (guess which hall the fire truck came from?), I volunteered my information to the investigating police officer.  And, again, because the accident happened on private property, no formal statement was required. 

I introduced myself to the driver of the vehicle that was hit, as well as her husband, who arrived shortly afterwards.  We exchanged contact information.  I assured them that, should they decide to pursue this matter, I have made note of everything I saw and would be happy to volunteer as a witness. Given all that I have been through recently, my accounts of the incident would, no doubt be thorough and compelling.

In the last year and a bit, I have seen, experienced and felt a whole bunch of things that I never thought I would ever encounter.  Increased awareness of this “heightened sense” I spoke of earlier is a very cool thing.  I don’t write it off anymore.  When it pops up, I listen.  I make a mental note of it.  When something does happen, I connect the dots.

Hopefully, this awareness has a balance to it.  I don’t want to feel only negative stuff. 

Wasn’t there a movie made about that already?

Stirring up the Shit

It's 3:45 AM, March 6, 2012.

One year to the day since Kim was killed.  The trial for the person responsible started yesterday. It has brought back a lot of feelings and emotions from that day a year ago.  The first night, I couldn't sleep.  Indeed, for the first few nights I couldn't sleep.  I had no recourse back then but to toss and turn and cry.

Since that time, I have started writing.  That's what I am doing now.  Far more productive and therapeutic.  I'm sad, but feel the need to stay strong for the family, especially Adam.  But, at times like this, it gets very tiring being strong, VERY tiring.  I hate this feeling, I really do.  I know that around 4:00 this afternoon I am going to be exhausted again.  I want to get back to something resembling normal.  Something where I can just do my thing and not be concerned with anything else.

This trial is a very exhausting experience, and it's only day 1.  Several more days to go.  My upbringing by my old German Master Sergeant father is really paying off.   Thanks for that dad.  Now I know what you meant.

Well, I'm going to try and get some sleep.  Another day in court.  Need to be alert, make notes and support those who need it.

It never ends....

Alone

When you think about the concept of being alone, there are far more aspects than just physically being by yourself.  You can be alone in a Mall.  Of course you are not alone, but there on your own, without company.  You could be alone in your thoughts, but physically on a crowded bus.

For me, doing things on my own has never been an issue.  In fact, I’ve spent a good part of an average day in my own company.  There is always something going on in my head (sounds weird, I know), so I am usually entertained or distracted.  I watch people around me.  See their interactions, and “record” them for potential fodder later on in some written or photographic form.

I first became aware of the concept of “alone” a number of years ago.  I was coaching a senior women’s hockey team.  We were at a tournament in Niagara Falls. It was a Saturday night. Our game was not until very late in the evening.  So, I got comfortable in my hotel room to watch the Hockey Night in Canada telecast until it was time to go.  Within five minutes, there was a knock at the door. The husband of one of my players (we coaches are very possessive) invited me to their room to watch the game with them.  He knew that I was on my own, and would probably like some company.  He stated that he “did not do alone very well”.  I was totally taken aback by this very generous offer, and decided to accept.  While I was perfectly fine with watching the game by myself, it was very cool to be thought of by someone that I did not know all that well. 

It’s been a year now (as of this writing) since Kim has been gone.  “Alone” has taken on a very different meaning for me.  Before, given that she worked a regular nine to five job during the day, and a part time job a couple of nights a week and the odd weekend, I would often times find myself on my own.  Whatever I chose to do to fill that time, I could rest assured that I would see Kim at some point in the day, even if just to say good night when we turned in.  There was always the knowledge that, while I was alone for the moment, I would not be in the long term.

Now, things have changed drastically.   “Alone” is a whole new concept.  Before I had the choice whether to go to a movie on my own, or wait for Kim’s schedule to permit us to go together. Going to her hockey games was a given, except when our schedules conflicted, as they did on that dreaded day.  Saturday nights though, Westwood Arena was all ours!

Now, my choice is different.  Go alone, for the most part, or not at all.  My partner in crime is gone.  Going to the rink on a Saturday night on my own still feels weird, a year later.  The drive home is particularly lonely.

And speaking of lonely, therein lies another aspect of being without Kim.  In the past, there would be times, away from the house, at a golf tournament for example, where I would be in a room with two hundred other people, with a hundred different conversations going on.  Yet, I would feel completely lonely.  Usually a momentary thing, but it was there.

With Kim gone now, there are days when I feel totally and completely lonely.  It’s sad, actually.  I continue to miss her dearly.  I keep myself as busy as possible.  Some people think I am crazy with all the things that I do.  But in all honesty, I am (if you analyze it) probably running away from this loneliness.

When you grieve, they (whoever “they” are) say you should keep busy.  Keep your brain and body active.  But there are days when you are not busy.  When you need to rest.  When your body says “enough!”  Chill out a bit.  That’s when things usually kick in.

Having a large extended family and an even larger network of friends has been a gift as I move forward in this adventure.  While I will reach out to them when I am at my most vulnerable, I also understand that, quite frankly, they might just be thinking to themselves “what, again?”  I don’t want to make them feel “put upon” simply because I am feeling down.  I am not a selfish person by any means.  In fact, quite the opposite.  So the dilemma between reaching out and holding back is always there.

Alone does offer you, however, the opportunity to do things without having to coordinate with someone else.  If I decide on the spur of the moment to do something, I do it.  The drag is, the planning, the scheming and the “what if we…” are half the fun.

With several hurdles left to clear in this process I call my life, I will continue to move forward, alone and in the company of others.  I will continue to battle the bouts of loneliness and do what I can to stay busy, productive and involved.  The kid and I stand together to deal with what remains.

Those are the cards I have been dealt…..