Did You Know.....

I took the following from a Facebook Status from a friend of mine:

Did you know that those who appear to be really strong, really are the most sensitive. Did you know that those who spend all their time protecting others, sometimes really need someone to protect them. Did you know that 3 of the hardest things to say are: I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me!

This really hit me.  I have no trouble saying "I Love You" or "I'm Sorry".  None what so ever.  However, I absolutely, positively hate asking for help.  It's just not how I am hard wired.  Even during such a life altering tragedy, I am the main support for my step son, and for anyone in the family that needs it.  I have soldiered through this grieving thing by keeping busy, crying  sometimes, and just "putting my head down and digging in", to coin a sports cliche.

I feel VERY uncomfortable asking for help.  Sometimes I'd like some, but I manage to "get it done" without assistance.  As Kim once said, I come by my stubbornness honestly. 

There are no rules in getting through this shit.  You just take it a day at a time.

There is Help Out there

http://www.griefjourney.com/

For those of you out there who have suffered loss, and don't know what to do, how to handle it or to confirm that you are not a freak for feeling what you feel, the aforementioned link might help.  It's a group I have become associated with through the funeral home that did Kim's funeral.  It is actually very interesting and very helpful.

Give it a look and see if you agree.

Time

Time is a funny thing. 

You take the average week. 
Monday is the worst day of the week for most people.  Coming out of a weekend, that's the first day back to work.  It seems to go on forever.  By the end of the day it feels like an entire week all by itself.  Tuesday is slow, but not quite as slow as Monday.  Before you know it, Wednesday or "hump day" as we like to call it sometimes (the "hump of the week") is here and the day's actually feel like they are starting to speed up.
Thursday comes in and we're already making plans for the coming weekend.  And finally, Friday.  Ah, Friday, the shortest, fastest day of the week.  Monday seemed like a hundred years ago.  Now the end of the week is here.

The weekend kicks in and we're off doing chores, recreational stuff, family things and for some, alas, work.  Before you know it, we're back to Monday.  A vicious circle the rewinds continuously. 

Since the accident, this cycle, as with everyone else, has played out week after week.  Weird thing is, I still recall the accident like it was yesterday.  Every detail of the scene, the hospital, everything.  And I can't get it out of my head.  It's been fifteen weeks since that dreaded day.  That means this cycle has replayed fifteen times!  It sure doesn't feel like that as each week plays out.  Time is a funny thing, isn't it.  It flies by, and it crawls, all at the same time (pardon the pun).

The Concept of Grief

When someone suffers the loss of a spouse/sibling/parent/friend/pet, one of the things they go through is grieving.  In my three weeks of group counselling to help me deal with the tragic loss of my beautiful wife Kim, I have learned a lot about grieving.  I wish to share some of my new found wisdom with you.

The world can be a brutal place, but it can also be a really cool place.  It’s amazing to me how friends and family can come together during and beyond such a horrific event.  The day of the accident can best be described for me as the worst day of my life.  Within the span of one hour, my world was turned completely upside down, as was the family’s.  I had to process and move out some pretty heavy information to others, while consoling myself and those around me.  It was like being in the dream sequence of a movie.  Everything moving in slow motion.  A knot in my stomach the size of a basket ball developed right away.  Wandering aimlessly, it seemed, not knowing what to do.  It was totally uncharacteristic of me, who is usually in full control of his emotions/surroundings etc.

As the business of handling Kim’s estate moved along, things stared to settle down.  People were slowly returning to their lives.  The world keeps turning.  The grieving finally started to kick in.  I could not (and still cannot) get that tragic day out of my head.  I think about it a lot, every day.  I remember cool things in our life together.  I remember the visitations and funeral service.  I remember the days of that first week, when the kid and I had a babysitter or two every night that week to make sure we were okay.  I remember the pain I felt in my gut and in my heart (that one is still front and centre).  All of this stuff is like a movie playing in my head on fast forward, all the time.

I manage to squeeze some work into this old concussed head of mine.  Focus has been a huge problem for me.  I have great problems reading for any length of time.  The only thing I can really watch on TV is sports.  Cooking and working out have been my salvation.

Our counsellor at the group therapy sessions taught us that grief is simply remembering.  We remember because we care.  We care because we love the person we lost.  That makes it a bit easier to deal with.  It just doesn’t take the hurt away.  Time does.  He also described grief as feeling like writing with your wrong hand.  Awkward, slow, requires more concentration and feels strange.  That analogy is bang on.

As I travel down this new, uncharted road, I have been sharing some of the more humorous things that have gone on as the household evolves and we move along (Man Cave).  That will continue as there are lots of stories to tell.  I thought that it would be prudent to share some of the “other” side of things; the feelings, the pain, the on going grief that we endure.  The two work hand in hand.  Having been raised by a German Army Master Sergeant, feelings were not something that we shared or expressed a lot in our house, except perhaps for anger.  Throwing these stories out there has been very therapeutic for me personally.  It also helps me laugh, remember some great stuff from the past, and share the great new stuff we encounter.  It is what it is…..

Re-Entry

Hello world.

This is my re-entry into the blog world.  My motivation is different this time.  As noted in my profile, I became a widower on March 6, 2011 when my beautiful wife Kim was tragically killed in a very high profile auto accident here in Mississauga.

My life has been forever changed by this event.  She was everything to me.  My love, my lover, my best friend, my hockey pupil, my soul mate, everything.  I now find myself as a single step parent, as I have assumed responsibility of Kim's son.  That is what she wanted in the event that anything were to happen to here.  Little did we know that this would indeed come to pass.  I do so with absolutely no hesitation.  I love him like he's my own and will do everything in my power to make sure he is okay.

We move forward together into a new life.  This is our journey....