Today, after a long delay in dealing with "stuff". I decided to move Kim's things from our front hall closet to the basement, on a clothing rack there. I came to this conclusion on the way home from seeing a movie.
As I got closer to home, my eyes started to tear up. By the time I reached home, they were flowing pretty good. I took the first handful of her coats down. As I was descending the stairs with the second and last load, I broke down, totally and completely. I hung her things in the rack, sat on the stairs and just bawled my eyes out. Really, deep, hard crying, for about five minutes. I mean it just poured out of me. I was crying so hard I almost went hoarse.
After drying myself up, I just sat and thought about her for a few minutes. It actually tired me out cardiovascularly almost as much as my hockey game this morning. Trust me when I say, I know exactly why I had this reaction, and why I have put off doing this chore, among many others still to be done. I completely understand the psychology of the thing. Delaying tending to Kim's stuff because it would bring the finality of the situation closer to completion. I get all that. I just fuckin' hate it!
I haven't really had any emotional "episodes" in a few weeks. But things have been brewing. I am doing my best to stay busy. Look after the kid. Look after family. Take care of business. But it seems that sometimes, when you least expect it, expect it!
Writing about this (and other stuff), putting it out there, basically exposing my soul to the world, is not my first choice on dealing with things. But, getting it out there gives me a bit of a sense of release. And in doing so, hopefully someone else reading this, going through the same kind of shit, could, maybe gain some solace in the fact that they are not alone in how they feel. Whether it's normal or not, at least they don't have to think that its only them.
I'm laying it out there, and, in a sense, giving something back for the support I've gotten. Hopefully.....
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