Triggers

When you go through a profound tragic event in your life, you are forever changed.  Sure, there is the immediate shock, sadness, anger and the other elements of the chain of grief.  Those have been detailed to some degree in my writings, and indeed by anyone who has gone through similar circumstances.

Time, however, does its' job, to a degree.  Time heals all wounds, supposedly.  Also depends on your definition of healing.  Speaking personally, I honestly don't think that I will ever completely heal.  I have a wound that, while it is "in check" for the most part, it will never completely close.  The hurt and all of his bedfellows will always be there.  We just get used to having that wound around.  Kind of like a scar.  It's there.  You adapt.  You, unfortunately, get used to it.

There are more "better" days now than "not so good" days.  Back to my opinion on the law of balances.  Good with the bad.  But, just when you think your getting past the "not so good", something triggers deeper, more emotional feelings.  For me, it's reminders of that dreaded day, or of a happier time when Kim and I did something together that stayed with me.  Triggers are a really weird thing.  Why?  Well, because they come from the strangest places at the strangest moments.

Now, understanding that while we as a family and me as a (now) widower  go through this shit, the world moves on.  It's been eight months now!  That in and of itself is unreal to me sometimes.  But, if you look back over those eight months and see all the things that have happened, both locally and internationally, it's just staggering.  History has been made, evil doers have been dealt with, genius' of commerce and technology have left us and countless political events have occurred.

With respect to these triggers, as I've said, they come from the strangest places, at the strangest times.  For example:

• The media.  News is instantaneous these days.  There are so many television channels, newspapers, and that beacon of information, the Internet.  Things happen so quickly, they are in our face before you know it.  Whenever I see a story about someone killed in an accident, those wounds get a bit sensitive.  I actually happened upon an accident a while back where two women were killed.  I didn't know it at that moment, until I put the local all news channel on the radio.  The memory reel kicked in big time for a few minutes.

• Programs meant to entertain us.  In the electronic age, we have an incredible amount of choices with respect to what we can watch on TV.  And a lot of shows are now available for home purchase to view at your leisure.  Kim and I, over the Fall of 2010 had gotten very much into the TV series Six Feet Under.  A really good show.  We were in the beginning stages of season four, the last episode she and I watched together was one where one of the lead characters had just lost his wife, and was dealing with "Stuff".  I haven't watched an episode since.  I will some day.  I want to see that series through.  I know it will trigger something.  Another show I just got into is Sons of Anarchy.  A program about a motorcycle club and all the "merry mix ups" that occur in that world.  The last couple of episodes from season one deal with one of the main characters' wife being killed by mistake, and all the stuff they have to deal with.  Boy did that trigger some emotions.

• I continue to coach in the Rexdale Women's Hockey League.  Kim played in that league for quite some time.  They did a wonderful tribute to her at the game following her funeral service.  An incredible bunch of ladies who have opened their hearts to myself and my family.  As much as I enjoy coaching these ladies, there are times, usually when I'm tired (and susceptible) that I get  some feelings of sadness.   But they usually don't last too long.  Once the puck drops, I'm in the game.

• One of my favourite hobbies is the study of Improv Comedy.  I've been doing that for over three years now.   It's been a wealth of "therapy" for me.  An example of how life moves on, and trying not to dwell on stuff?   Sometimes, either during a scene I am watching, or a scene that I am actually performing in, the topic of death, or killing, or killing someone specifically comes into play.  And, while I get that this is for the moment, part of a performance, hoping for a positive reaction from the audience, there is the odd time when I find myself "taken aback" just a bit.  But that doesn't last very long.  I just say to myself that the one has nothing to do with the other.  I also don't expect everyone to walk on egg shells around me.  The world keeps turning.  I know that.  They know that.  In the world of performance, especially live improvised performance, things come out of nowhere at the snap of your fingers.  One of the Mantra's of Improv is "Don't think".

Just a few days ago, there was an accident which resulted in the death of a woman who was riding her bicycle, on her way to pick up her child from daycare.  This story was front page in the local paper.  Reading that brought me back to the days after Kim's accident, where her story was front page on in one of the supplementary sections of the same paper.  A lot was mentioned about the husband and their small child.  As I was reading this, I'm thinking to myself:

• Dude, I've been in your shoes. 
• I know exactly where you are at this point in time on a whole bunch of levels.
• I know the madness of trying to get answers.
• I know that he will have a lot of family and friend support.
• And I know that the media will be on this story for some time.  And, that this story will be referred to for some time to come in comparison to other accidents that will no doubt happen along the way.

These triggers are, unfortunately, part of the process.  Some people go through their entire lives not having to worry about this kind of stuff.  Lucky bastards!  I, on the other hand, have this whole new set of shit to deal with.  And, I'll be dealing with it for the rest of my life.  Getting through this kind of thing is a very long, trying adventure with both ups and downs.  The trick to success in navigating this journey is understanding and accepting that this is now part of your life.  Once you've achieved that understanding, it won't necessarily make things easier to deal with, but at least you will have the rationale to ride it out.

And for me personally, I have reached that understanding.

You clear the hurdles as you encounter them.  The triggers will happen.  Accept that.  Deal with them and then move on.  Don't dwell. 

You deal with the Demon and the Demon is done!