Alone

When you think about the concept of being alone, there are far more aspects than just physically being by yourself.  You can be alone in a Mall.  Of course you are not alone, but there on your own, without company.  You could be alone in your thoughts, but physically on a crowded bus.

For me, doing things on my own has never been an issue.  In fact, I’ve spent a good part of an average day in my own company.  There is always something going on in my head (sounds weird, I know), so I am usually entertained or distracted.  I watch people around me.  See their interactions, and “record” them for potential fodder later on in some written or photographic form.

I first became aware of the concept of “alone” a number of years ago.  I was coaching a senior women’s hockey team.  We were at a tournament in Niagara Falls. It was a Saturday night. Our game was not until very late in the evening.  So, I got comfortable in my hotel room to watch the Hockey Night in Canada telecast until it was time to go.  Within five minutes, there was a knock at the door. The husband of one of my players (we coaches are very possessive) invited me to their room to watch the game with them.  He knew that I was on my own, and would probably like some company.  He stated that he “did not do alone very well”.  I was totally taken aback by this very generous offer, and decided to accept.  While I was perfectly fine with watching the game by myself, it was very cool to be thought of by someone that I did not know all that well. 

It’s been a year now (as of this writing) since Kim has been gone.  “Alone” has taken on a very different meaning for me.  Before, given that she worked a regular nine to five job during the day, and a part time job a couple of nights a week and the odd weekend, I would often times find myself on my own.  Whatever I chose to do to fill that time, I could rest assured that I would see Kim at some point in the day, even if just to say good night when we turned in.  There was always the knowledge that, while I was alone for the moment, I would not be in the long term.

Now, things have changed drastically.   “Alone” is a whole new concept.  Before I had the choice whether to go to a movie on my own, or wait for Kim’s schedule to permit us to go together. Going to her hockey games was a given, except when our schedules conflicted, as they did on that dreaded day.  Saturday nights though, Westwood Arena was all ours!

Now, my choice is different.  Go alone, for the most part, or not at all.  My partner in crime is gone.  Going to the rink on a Saturday night on my own still feels weird, a year later.  The drive home is particularly lonely.

And speaking of lonely, therein lies another aspect of being without Kim.  In the past, there would be times, away from the house, at a golf tournament for example, where I would be in a room with two hundred other people, with a hundred different conversations going on.  Yet, I would feel completely lonely.  Usually a momentary thing, but it was there.

With Kim gone now, there are days when I feel totally and completely lonely.  It’s sad, actually.  I continue to miss her dearly.  I keep myself as busy as possible.  Some people think I am crazy with all the things that I do.  But in all honesty, I am (if you analyze it) probably running away from this loneliness.

When you grieve, they (whoever “they” are) say you should keep busy.  Keep your brain and body active.  But there are days when you are not busy.  When you need to rest.  When your body says “enough!”  Chill out a bit.  That’s when things usually kick in.

Having a large extended family and an even larger network of friends has been a gift as I move forward in this adventure.  While I will reach out to them when I am at my most vulnerable, I also understand that, quite frankly, they might just be thinking to themselves “what, again?”  I don’t want to make them feel “put upon” simply because I am feeling down.  I am not a selfish person by any means.  In fact, quite the opposite.  So the dilemma between reaching out and holding back is always there.

Alone does offer you, however, the opportunity to do things without having to coordinate with someone else.  If I decide on the spur of the moment to do something, I do it.  The drag is, the planning, the scheming and the “what if we…” are half the fun.

With several hurdles left to clear in this process I call my life, I will continue to move forward, alone and in the company of others.  I will continue to battle the bouts of loneliness and do what I can to stay busy, productive and involved.  The kid and I stand together to deal with what remains.

Those are the cards I have been dealt…..